Creative Writing

Unwanted Memories

It’s crazy how our past can get in the way of our future if we don’t deal with the pain. Sometimes I can’t help but to think of my past life and the struggles that keep me stuck there.

I wish I could just let go of all the craziness from way back when, but it’s not that easy for some reason. I’ve been told by several to just move on and let it go, but don’t they know I’ve tried?

Sometimes I wonder how I’m not screwed up and hooked on drugs or drinking. How am I not a crazy lady who abuses her kids physically and mentally as I was abused? They say you learn what you know, but I feel I broke that cycle when raising my kids. How could I belittle my kids and make them feel unwanted? I love my kids with my whole entire soul and being and I couldn’t image ever hurting them, ever!

I hug and tell my kids I love them every single day

This was something that was not done in my upbringing, actually it was the total opposite. The love wasn’t ever felt growing up for me, it is what it is I guess.

I know I’ve come a long way from where I once was a fragile little girl, although I still feel I’m in the same spot as then. I still remember when I was twenty something and she made me feeling like I was just five all over again when she raised her hand to me. Being married with two kids and I was suddenly taken back to my unhappy childhood at that moment.

How can I move on when shit like that happens and I still can’t speak up to her. I felt fear run through my whole body like a fire storm. She still randomly calls and leaves messages in an angry voice telling me I’d better call her back. Well we both know that isn’t going to happen, ever.

Yes, this is my way of dealing with this unhealthy relationship, by running away and avoiding the contact. I know this will only make my life more difficult in coping with the reality of it, but for now this is going to be my way.

 

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